Getting kids back to school is hard enough but adding in co-parenting, possibly for the first time, can be daunting. There are schedules to figure out. Emergency contacts to be added or removed. School supplied and sports fees that need to be paid. And what used to just be about working together to get it done has become more about who does what, who pays what, how do the schedules for drop off and pick up need to change? You may have to add in before or after school care now as the single parent and think through how do I pay for this? And how are the kids dealing with all this? It can all be very stressful.

This is why trying to get to a place where you can be civil with your ex-spouse is so important. For some the ex-spouse may not even be in the picture.

How to Handle These Situations

1. If you can’t talk to each other without a blow up then I recommend doing it via email. Why email and not text? Because most likely emails stay longer. Many phones are set to not save your texts forever, or conversations may be hard to find and following text threads can be difficult. Also if you ever need to show conversations to someone email is easy to share. If an email seems too cold, you can discuss via phone or in person if you are at that level in your relationship. The main point here is to find a way to communicate where you can stay on point and get the answers you need.
2. Take the help that is offered. If they are offering to help more with paying for daycare or school fees, take the help! I know some people who have said, “I don’t want or need anything from them anymore.” This only puts additional hardship on you and your kids. Take what help you can get. It doesn’t make you weak or dependent. It is giving them the responsibility that they signed up for when you had kids together.
3. What if they can’t help – they are out of work or in a very low-paying job? Then look at what programs your school district or other churches/companies/charities in the area have that you can take advantage of. These people are here to help you, likely because they have been through similar situations and they know how hard it can be when you become separated and divorced. Every year, I fill a backpack full of school supplies and donate it through my work program because there were years when getting all the stuff for school and all the fees were a big expense in my budget. So I know how tight things can get.
4. What if no help is offered or you can’t discuss it because they always argue with you about everything? A lot of times these arguments go off on tangents. This is where it is important to learn boundaries and keep pulling the conversation back to the topic you need an answer on. You do not have to tolerate being yelled at by anyone. Let me say that again. You do NOT have to tolerate being yelled at by anyone. If your spouse is communicating verbally or via email in an angry manner, you might say, “I understand you’re angry, but I will not tolerate being yelled at, maybe we can talk about this when you have calmed down”. And be done. Shut the door, walk away – calmly. No drama in the above, just fact. It’s just a boundary.
5. If your ex-spouse is violent in any way and they are at that level- do not address them alone. Do it with a family member or only communicate through email. Don’t put yourself in a volatile situation. What if your spouse keeps going off on tangents? Continue to pull them back to the topic. “I don’t want to address those other items today. I want to talk about how we can split up the school fees.” If you have it in your divorce decree then point to that as the agreed-upon terms. These are the hardest situations to deal with. The more you can get to a point in your relationship where you can discuss essential topics like these the better and easier this will get over time.

And what about the kids?

Kids may be feeling additional stress during this time because of new routines and some fears about what their days may be like. Make sure the kids know what is going to happen and when. If Mom is picking them up today and then Dad is picking up tomorrow, make sure they know. This helps them feel like they know what to expect and how their days will be structured. This will help reduce anxiety. This article from Psychology today has some great tips on how to deal with concerns your kids may be having about going back to school. No matter what, even if it doesn’t feel like it is helping, being there for your kids is important. Even if they are turning you away or blaming you and seem angry. They need you as the constant in their lives. Just being there and willing to talk is important. And being on the same page with your ex is going to continue to be key in helping the kids feel secure. Comment below if you have other tips that single parents may need as part of a new back to school routine. We are all in this together. Thanks for reading. Till next time…

Much love,

Julie